at the beginning of each year I like to go back and read through my last year's journals. it really puts things in perspective for me and allows me to remember so many thoughts and feelings. I get to see how much I really did change and go through. I get to look back and see the things that truly mattered, the things I wanted, the things I worried about, the things that worked out, the things that didn't... and in the end I feel like i'm content. content with the honest words I wrote, and that I know myself. so here's a blog post combining some of those thoughts. and maybe you will take time and maybe you won't, but here's my words:
looking back as a whole it's kind of funny because some days I would tell you it was somewhat of a darker year of my life... and other days I would tell you it was the year I truly figured out who I wanted to be and what I needed to do to get there. "cliché" I know, but that's how it is. The last 5 months of my senior year I competed in cheerleading with some of my best girls in the whole world, I worked hard to maintain my 4.0, I began applying for colleges and scholarships and had like a mid-life crisis type of moment a few times, I realized I loved my grade and that I was going to miss a lot of people, and life just started getting real and happening. I dated a boy who taught me a lot about life. we were complete opposites in almost every aspect, and i think we both grew so much from it. he taught me simplicity and how to take life a day at a time. I learned that worrying about things you couldn't change, and the future, wasn't worth it.. we didn't have a perfect fairytale relationship, but it was one I know I needed. I realized new things I wanted and things I needed. I realized SO much about life in general, and about myself. but he was also a mask from all my other problems because when I was with him I didn't think about them. the deep, dark, scary ones. the painful ones you never like to admit. and I pushed away my best friend in the whole world...and I distanced myself from my family...and I questioned the gospel in ways I never had before... and I wasn't writing poetry and free writes and literature like I use to. I wasn't doing art like I use to. I wasn't playing the guitar like I use to. I wasn't effortlessly happy like I use to be. I wasn't happy sparkly bailey like I use to be. all the things that made me me were fading. and I refused to admit it. I told myself that this dark, hard hearted, hateful person was me. and I began to just not care. simple as that. and someitmes i'd let that person come out and sometimes it was all just in my head and i was lost. and sometimes the old me would come back, but never fully...and at least not inside of me, but maybe on the outside. and I graduated from high school and I was ready. I needed change and I needed something more, but I didn't know what. and I new I needed to change myself and get a grip. so I went hiking and kayaking as much as I could. and I worked on projects and set goals for myself. and I surrounded myself with people who supported me. I met people that summer and listened to their perspectives and thoughts and became intrigued. with the fact that I could live any life I want. that I now had that power. and I began piecing things together. from my past, present, and future. and I realized life was limitless and that I wanted to be happy. so I made a choice. and I changed. my thoughts, my actions, my goals, and I began to be. (here and here) And I went and saw the love of my life Harry Styles at the One Direction concert in Salt Lake City with my sister and we screamed and cried and were content. And Harry and Zayn waved to us multiple times during the night and you can read ALL about it here. and then I went to Las Vegas and saw One Direction again and went to Harry Styles hotel and met his hair stylist and then went to California with my best sister/friend Morgan and made some of the best memories ever. then soon enough I was off to college. to start my own life. and I was trying not to have expectations and I just wanted to live. And after some really hard goodbyes I was on my own. and the first week was kinda weird... but once the cute girls I became close with over the summer came (jordy, Aubrey, and elise) life got happenin and then we met Aubrey and life was great. And this last semester went by SO fast and I LOVED it. There were obviously some rough times that were stupid but I love the college life and I love where I live and I love my friends and the people I've met. And I feel like I really became who I wanted. And no one had any expectations of who I was supposed to be, and I could just let ME be ME. Truly and 100%. and I've been happy. that effortless kind of happy. obviously not ALL the time, but the majority of the time. so here's to life and the year 2013 that was full of c h a n g e and t r a n s f o r m a t i o n.
xoxo
bailey
Bailey, I was so consumed with this whole post. First of all, you amaze me. You're a remarkable writer. Second, I love what you said. It's like, you can be in a ridiculously dark place & yet, still find yourself in it. That is EXACTLY how I felt when I was in my dark place. As goes for the guy I thought I would marry, I was acting the SAME exact way as you explained. I've told you this before, but you remind me of myself in so many ways. It's kind of cool. I live on the other side of the lake from you. And right now, it's frozen. So maybe you should ice skate over? hahahaha! Seriously, the craziest time of year has passed. Let's do something!!
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