I still have so much to say about the story I shared with you a few weeks ago. So many insights and things that I realized and still continue to realize daily. It's still kind of hard and scary for me to be this open about that part of my life, but I feel like I really and truly need to. So here it goes again, Part 2:
Let me take you to a place of darkness. A place of hopelessness. Where nothing seems good. No matter what happens in life, you have a hardened heart. Where even the things that used to bring you happiness no longer do. You are a numb to it all. You don't care. You don't even care that you don't care. Inside you sometime think that it'd be nice to be happy again but this is just how life is now. Compassion is gone. Life is just a day by day process that you have to go through. Happiness is now just a thing you used to feel but sometimes you wonder if you even ever were happy. No matter what advice people give you to help you to feel again, they just don't understand. Everything is just dark and that's just how it is.Can you feel that? Can you visualize that? That all becomes reality. How awful does that sound? To me, it is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking because people go through that. Every day.
June 2013 I was there. I was there and I didn't see anything wrong with it because I felt like that's just who I was. Yah, some things would make me laugh and sometimes I was "fake" happy, but I just didn't care. Not one bit. I wasn't reading my scriptures. I wasn't praying. I wasn't going to church. Because I didn't care. If God wanted me to be happy, He would make me happy. I lived my life like this on and off throughout my lifetime, but this was the longest time I had felt this way and this time I accepted it.
One day my mom called me out on it. Sat me down and let it all out. She told me who I WAS. Not who I was then at that moment, but who I really was. She told me how it was. And in that moment, my wall cracked. In that moment, I was vulnerable. In that moment, I let my stubborn and hardened heart go. I made a choice. A choice to BE who I was and to FEEL the happiness I knew I deserved. I began to make changes in my life.
It all started with God. I remembered how I used to feel about Him. I read through my journals and began to remember the love I felt so strongly for Him. The undying testimony I had inside of me. If I could feel that then, I could feel it now, right? If I could think those thoughts once upon a time, then I must've known it then. And I wanted to know it again. So I submitted my will to His. I put my selfish ways and darkness aside and allowed Him to heal me. I just had to have a little bit of faith that He could do it. I was amazed that once I allowed the Spirit to be apart of me, the healing that went on. But I had to make the choice. I had to be 100% vulnerable and have hope. It was a scary thought that maybe He didn't want to help me or maybe He couldn't. But I am here today to testify to you that He did. Because He made us a promise that He will ALWAYS help us and ALWAYS be there to light the way. And I felt it again. I was back and I realized that a big reason of my unhappiness was BECAUSE I didn't have God in my life constantly during those times I needed Him most.
I next began to think of the moments in my life that made me the happiest. And I began to fill my life with those things. Writing, kayaking, hiking, exercising, being outside, being with my family. I made EFFORT. I made effort to do the things I wanted to do. To take ordinary moments in my life and make them into extraordinary moments. To let them excite me. To take a step back and notice the little things. Like my sisters laughter, the way words could form and create a masterpiece, the way the burning in my lungs was exhilarating, that I was ALIVE. And I changed. It was a process but I changed. And I loved it. I loved going through this process that made me feel again. That made me glad I was alive. That made me excited to live every day.
Because this is life and it is meant to be LIVED. It is here to make us learn and grow and to be happy. Even when circumstances are hard. We need to do the things that bring us happiness. To change the things in our life that are negative. To change our thoughts. To rid our lives of doubt and anger. To have the ability and the desire to change for the better.
xo
bailz
No comments:
Post a Comment