Hi, my name is Bailey and I suffer from anxiety & depression and this is my story.

 

I believe that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through one single moment that has directed them to where they are today. I love that. I love that in this life we are given trials. We are given things that bring us to our absolute lowest so that we can learn and grow in ways we never could have otherwise. Today I'm going to share with you my story.

 

Growing up I was a happy girl. If you were to ask people to describe me they would've probably said happy, bubbly, and outgoing. And although those were all true, on the inside I was going through something so much more. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 10 years old and later on it led to depression. It has honestly been my biggest challenge so far. A lot of you may think of anxiety as "fear"  and depression as "sadness" but I can testify that that is not just the case. It is a state of inner turmoil that can consume you and it is something you don't have complete control over.

 

 It breaks my heart to look back and remember the feelings and moments I went through during the ages of 10-13. Anxiety caused unrealistic thoughts to come into my mind and take over my life. I went through several phases with my anxiety. The first one that occurred was when I thought I was going to die. Literally. I lived in a constant state of fear that I was going to be killed. I wouldn't go places with my friends because I thought someone was going to hurt me. When I went to school I always thought someone was going to walk in and hurt me which sometimes resulted in my hiding in the bathroom and calling my mom balling. I was terrified to go places in cars because I thought we would get in a wreck. No matter where I went I was on constant look out for something that could potentially hurt me. I never felt safe and I imagined thousands of different scenarios of how it could happen.The next phase I went through I thought I was going to hurt myself. Inside I knew I would never, but thoughts were continually popping into my mind. Constant "what if's" and fear of myself. I would spend days filled with uneasy terror and spend nights crying myself to sleep. At times I felt like maybe this was God's way of preparing me to die...I tried to come up with any excuse as to why I was feeling this way because nothing made sense in my little pre-teen mind. On top of that I would occasionally have episodes of anxiety attacks where my body goes numb, I lose my sight and my hearing, cold sweats take over, and I am awake and alert but not able to function.  I was a young girl going through things I don't wish upon anyone. They were exhausting and painful and I fought with it every single day.

 

It was hard because it felt as if I was 2 people. Deep inside I knew that all this was not me. But I felt like I had no control. I couldn't just talk myself out of it because this other side would overtake my thoughts. I was scared to write about it in my journal because I felt like it'd make it all come true. I was so scared to talk to my parents about the extent of my thoughts because I was just a little girl and I didn't know what was wrong with me. I knew I needed to change. I knew that this was not how my life was supposed to be. I wanted to be happy and I wanted peace.

 

 I turned to my Father in Heaven and I begged Him to help me. In any way possible. I needed guidance and I needed SOMETHING. It was too exhausting living my life where my mental state wasn't in a place I knew it should've been. My friends didn't have these problems, so how come I did? How come I was different? How come I wasn't normal? I decided I was going to overcome this trial and learn from it. I was going to strive to free myself and I was going to help others who are suffering. Because honestly, if you don't have anxiety, I don't think you could ever fully grasp it's power. And I wanted to use this awful thing in my life to better other peoples lives who may be going through the same things I went through. I was so lucky to have a mom that would listen and really open up her thoughts to help me. She didn't judge me, she didn't just shrug it off, she would avidly try and understand where I was coming from. Through talking with her she helped me to see things the way they really were. It took me a while to completely shut off that anxious side of my brain, but eventually I did.

 

Through that process I learned that my Heavenly Father would never want me to feel the things I felt. I learned that He would never put those thoughts into my head. I felt His love and I allowed Him to heal me. I had to completely trust Him and  I relied on Him and prayed constantly for peace and comfort. The thoughts would occasionally come back but I would focus on God and ask myself "If He was standing right here with me at this moment, what would He tell me?" And I would write those thoughts down.

 

That helped to get me through it. I was now able to live my life free from my own self.  That's a weird concept, but it's the only way I can describe it. It was a process and it was hard and it was awful, but I got through it. And I want all of you to know that I grew SO much from all of this. This is a watered down short version, and there is so much more depth to everything, but I got through it and I know that others who struggle with anxiety and depression can get through it too.

 

There are days anxiety and depression creeps in and tries to take over my life. There are days when I want to give up because it is so exhausting to  try and fight what is in your own mind. There are days when I literallly can't control it and anxiety attack episodes happen. There are times when depression envelopes me and all I can do is wait it out. But I have learned to depict what is anxiety and what is reality. That was the hardest part throughout this process. I am so much happier and I feel like I can finally be who I am. I feel like I was given this trial so I can relate to people on such a deeper level. I have been to some dark places emotionally. I have felt emotions that I hope others never have to feel. But looking back I am so grateful I went through it. It brought me so close to God and taught me so many things about life. Obviously I wish I could've learned those things in an easier way, but now I know that God knows I am capable of going through tough times and that he can send His children to me so I can help them in any way possible, even if it just means I can relate to them.


xo
Bailey