i think what we really miss is becoming.

"Listen-
all those nights
you spent wandering,
little steps outside of yourself,
were part of a bigger journey.
you have always been making
your way back home.
there is no one more excited
for your return
than you."
-Tyler Kent White

You know those moments when you miss yourself? You feel as though something is missing and then you realize it isn't a thing you are longing for. You realize it isn't another person. You realize it isn't s specific moment. But you realize you really flat out just miss you? You ponder back to where things changed. You try and pick out a day where things were purely good and try and pin point the moment in time when things just changed? Feelings, personalities, desires. For better or for worse. As I thought about it tonight.. I think what we really miss is who we were becoming at that certain point in our lives. We don't miss our pasts... but we miss the part of our pasts that was bringing us closer to the future we always desired. We miss the parts of us that thrived in that moment. The transition parts. When we were becoming who we wanted to be. Finally.
 I can pick out specific phases of my life where I was doing that. I felt like I was finally thriving. And I feel like it isn't always one specific thing that changes our course in life. It's all a progression of life and all it's happenings. I think it is okay to stray from who we are sometimes... that it is apart of the journey. And sometimes those parts ultimately suck and bring us to places and feelings we never wanted... and sometimes those parts are the things we have been waiting for our whole life to figure out. I think through those journeys we truly find out what we want, or at least bits and pieces. We find out where we want to go and priorities are made. Progress begins and life gets better, and you will start choosing the things you need to do to accomplish what you want and then sometimes you will question it all over again. And that question will lead you. And the process restarts. But I think a lot of people think that that isn't okay. People are terrified of the unknown. People don't like change. But it is inevitable. Even if they are just tiny.
I hate when changes bring me to a place where I feel stuck in life. To me that is one of the worst feelings in the world. But I always know that for me, those are my moments of change. That is my time to look at my life and decide the things I want to change. And sometimes it takes me a while to figure that out. But eventually through the process I think of the things that make me the happiest. The things that make me the me I love the best. The things that will help to create the best version of me.. And sometimes it's going back to the basics of who I have always been inside with additions that emphasize the best parts of who I am. The parts my soul never wants me to forget or to have to miss. It's the me that is in love with words. It's the me that likes deep poetry and art that is full of emotion. It is the me that is compassionate and willing to put others pains before mine. It is the me that lives for love. It is the me that lets myself feel what I really feel. It is the me that hates wearing pants and sitting like a girl. It is the me that likes listening to my music loud. It is the me that is active and wants to do things and go go go. It is the me that fills my journals with songs, poems, rants, and honesty.  It is the me that is boy crazy and accepting of love. It is the me that sobs over Vampire Diaries and all Nicholas Sparks movies. It is the me that wants to travel to experience culture. It is the me that does not let my anxiety or depression control  my life. It is the me that loves God and knows that anything is possible with Him guiding my life.
Guys--I'm so glad to be back on the progression to feeling and being myself again.


xoxo
Bailey