noplacelikehome.

every time i go back i just want to stay.
i want to press rewind, pause, and then press play and live from that moment.
life would be different obviously, but i know it would be better.
for many different reasons.
reasons that i don't really want to express because i am the only one who would understand.
i don't have regrets, but i cant help but try and imagine how my life would have been.
how different it would be and what kind of person i would be if we would have stayed.
but i know everything happens for a reason.
I've witnessed it.
but still.
i just cant shake the feeling every time we go back.
that is my home.
that is where I'm supposed to be.
and its hard.
not being able to do what i feel needs to be done.
its hard when there are too many things forcing me to stay.
so i  just suck it up.
i have for the past few years of my life.
but i dont think i will be able to move on.
and i guess i will just live with it until i can do something about it.
but its hard being somewhere that doesn't feel like home.
its hard feeling like you wont ever fit in the way you do there.
its hard its hard its hard.
but i can do hard things.
and its funny that i feel this way for the fact that there have been some of the most incredible people come into my life here.
some amazing memories.
some amazing summer nights and talks and walks.
some experiences that i know i was supposed to have.
and i wont ever forget them.
but its still just not me and my life as one.
although i truly truly wish it was.